Review: Must Love Vampires by Heidi Betts

25 Sep

Must Love Vampires by Heidi Betts
Kensington Publishing Corp. (October 2011)
Trade: $14.00; ebook: $11.99
ISBN: 9780758247636

Favorite Lines: “First date–kiss on the cheek. Second date kiss on the lips.  Third date–full French and over-the-shirt action. Fifth date, hot, sweaty, monkey sex, if both parties were willing. Was it the eighth date when he was safe to say, “Hey, hon, I forgot to mention that I’m a vampire. I drink blood, can’t go out in the sun, and when we sixty-nine, it’s all I can do to not bite you in the femoral artery.”” (p. 132, ARC)

LOVE AT FIRST BITE

Nightclub dancer Chloe Lamoureaux just met the man of her dreams:  Aidan Raines is charming, considerate, rich, and hot.  Of course, he’s a little mysterious about his age.  And his favorite drink.  And he’s not much for sunlight.  But he’s asked her to marry him, and she’s ready to do it. Sure, she has a few secrets too—but they’ll have plenty of time to work things out while they’re living happily ever after.  Right?

Her identical twin sister, Chuck, isn’t so sure.  Maybe reporting for the local Bigfoot-sighting tabloid doesn’t make her an expert, but to Chuck, Aidan and his brother Sebastian look like honest-to-Dracula vampires.  Especially Sebastian:  beguiling, seductive, and just a hint of dangerous.  Maybe she wouldn’t mind him taking a little taste.  But with Chloe’s life in the balance, she has to know—do they want hot love or hot blood?  Or maybe…a little of both?

Must Love Vampires is a paranormal romance written by Heidi Betts. The book contains two short stories about a set of twins. One is about Chuck, the other is about Chloe. I requested this ARC from the publisher and feel absolutely horrible that I didn’t enjoy it.

First of all, after reading the blurb on the back cover it is immediately apparent that you will need to suspend belief when you pick up the book. Duh, bigfoot sightings… I’m good with that. But I almost feel insulted by the book.

Must Love Vampires is over the top cheesy. It felt like a vampire romance parody written by someone who had never read a paranormal romance novel. Why? Because all the smart ass comments people have ever made to me about being a romance reader slapped me in the face as I read Must Love Vampires. From the over the top purple prose to the instant love, the book is full of things that non-romance readers assume every romance book contains.

Let me give you a few examples of the words and usage I’m talking about.

Chuck wiggled her hips and jiggled her bazooms, feeling for all the world like a marlin on the business end of some deep-sea fisherman’s hook while the two of them struggled to get her into Chloe’s skimpy costume…”Nobody will catch on,” she insisted, sucking in a breath and praying the twins–the other twins–would stay put long enough for her to get through the night.

And

Inside her chest, Chuck’s heart was ka-thump-ka-thump-ka-thumping to beat the band. Holy hell on a hamburger bun.

And

And she was no wilting lily in this ballgame. Her arms and legs were wrapped around him like a squid’s, and she was kissing him back. Trying to suck out his molars, to be honest–if he had any molars to suck out.

And

The same could be said for his dick. Baseball bats, marble pillars, and railroad spikes all came to mind.

Don’t let me discourage you from reading the book though. I think if you go into it with the right mindset you might be able to laugh your way through it. There were moments that are so completely out of this world that I had to bust a smile. And the scene which involved Chuck, thoughts of virginity and a bathroom, cracked me up.

If I hadn’t requested Must Love Vampires I would not have finished it. I’m sure there’s an audience for the book somewhere. I am not that audience. I’m interested in knowing what others think about it. Did you like or dislike it? Please post your thoughts.

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2 Responses to “Review: Must Love Vampires by Heidi Betts”

  1. Mandi October 3, 2011 at 12:31 pm #

    I disliked it. I don’t mind lighthearted romance books, but the motives of these characters and storylines made no sense.

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  1. Review: Must Love Vampires by Heidi Betts | Smexy Books - October 3, 2011

    […] Reviews: Scooper Speaks Paranormal Haven – 4/5 […]

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